If you experienced a miscarriage or infant loss, please know I am so so sorry for your loss. I know how exciting it is when you first learn that you are pregnant and I also know the sadness that comes with a miscarriage. Nothing in the world can prepare you for life after losing a child.
Having experienced a pregnancy loss, you know that your heart never fully heals. It just gets easier living with the loss over time. From my personal experience and Loss Training with Amy Wright Glenn from the Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death, I am here to tell you that you are not alone.
I know miscarriage is hard to understand or to put into words. A lot of pain and struggle come with the fear of giving loss a voice. Women and Men who have experienced the loss of a child (or children) are far more than a statistic. Going through it can be a very lonely experience. Child loss is a really uncomfortable conversation to have. I hope to continue to change that. Let’s start right here, right now.
Saying hello before saying good-bye
Once you found out you experienced pregnancy loss, I really recommend for you to say hello to your baby before everything turns into saying good-bye. Know that even though the heartbeat might be lost, the soul of your child is still present. Name your baby (even if you are in early pregnancy and don’t know the sex, follow your motherly intuition). Take time for you and your partner to connect to your child. You may feel like telling her or him your devastation and confusion to live on without them. You may feel like writing a letter to your baby. Whatever helps you to feel the connection and honor that your baby was here in your life for a beautiful amount of time.
After a loss of a baby, mothers experience a postpartum too, which isn’t talked about enough. Your hormones need to re-adjust and your body needs time to heal. No one tells you what the days, weeks, and months will look like after a loss. Your belly might have already shown signs of the life in you. Your breasts might have already prepared for milk production. You might simply felt exhausted from creating a life inside of you. If you had to have a D&C you might struggle with after-surgery-care. It is so so important to honor your postpartum after a miscarriage. Give yourself all the time to focus on healing. Nourish your body with warming, easy to digest, ayurvedic foods. Touch your skin, massage your body and cuddle a lot. Use warm oils and provide relaxing aromas for your senses like lavender. Bone broths are a good way to support you throughout the 40-day postpartum time.
Using Ceremony and Rites
Creating a ceremony to say goodbye to your child is incredibly helpful. I remember how shocked I was that there is absolutely no guidance on how to prepare a ceremony after pregnancy loss. I don’t want you to feel this kind of emptiness and hope that you bring you some awareness to the importance of ceremony. You might feel like lighting a candle together with your partner or family. You may feel like writing a letter to your child and bury it with an item you have bought for them. You might feel like planting a tree of bringing flowers to a happy-place you have spend a lot of time while pregnant. The soul of your child is a happy, joyful spirit after all. Can you find ways to honor this spirit? Personally, I found it so helpful to be in a place of joy to remember my daughter. That’s what I want for her, for us.
Unsubscribe from pregnant life
Living in a fast-paced digital world, a miscarriage can mean that you will be triggered by all kinds of algorithms every time you get online. I will be forever grateful for my husband who unsubscribed us from all newsletters and lists that had anything to do with pregnancy and babies while I was still in the hospital. Because coming home into your old preparing-for-baby-life with a now empty belly hits you hard. But even with all browser cookies being deleted on multiple devices, you might still receive the occasional ad for a buggy or a hip swaddle you once checked out. Sadly, the algorithms are stronger and I want you to be prepared.
There is no closure
People around you might talk about finding closure. About moving on. Trying for another baby. Let me tell you, there really is nothing like closure after losing your child. The healing happens from the inside out and as much time might pass, the rawness and realness of what you have been through will be a part of your life. Over the months that passed, I find it easier to look at what our daughter brought into my life. I count her gifts to us as my blessings in life. I know I am a mum. I know she is watching and guiding us from heaven. I can be at ease on good days. Truthfully, miscarriage is fucking hard on all levels of being. And it’s hard for the mums and dads alike. It can be really hard for people or even your partner to find a way to support you through your loss. We all need to learn and remind each other, that grief is nothing to be fixed. It is here to be felt. May the people closest in your life support you by just being present and holding your hand.
Blessings from all my heart to you and your family!